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30 August 2016 @ 04:00 am
I don't know what has changed. I don't know if I'm getting too lost inside of my head our what but I keep thinking something doesn't feel right. I know I don't write personal thoughts of myself that often anymore but this is something I need to work out so yeah. I'm writing a story from POV teenage boy and something about it is really fucking with my head considering I'm a 28 almost 29 year old women. I keep thinking my life should be more like the one I'm writing but that's not the way things work. And then I have a thought "Well next time it will be right," "Next time it will be better" "Next ride things will be different" but the problem with that is I don't know if there is a "next ride" so to speak. Another life another chance for things to be different to continue on. This life just doesn't seem right to me. I keep thinking where is my first love, well Elizabeth I don't know maybe she's in bed sleep? Where is my hope for my own children? Well, again it's sleeping in the bed in the next room. I feel like I've done this before. Said "ok well next time will be different" and just stopped in the middle of the story and blanked out. I don't want to do that. I don't want to but the urge is so poweful, the feeling that that is what is supposed to happen. I want to get past that feeling. I want to keep moving forward I want to finish this story, this life. I don't want to get off the ride right in the middle but something in my head is telling me I should. Maybe that's why they call it mental illness because it's a sickness that you can't escape that makes no sense most of the time? For some reason I feel like this isn't my life. I know very well it is. I logically know it is but I feel like this isn't my life. Maybe just keep powering through and hope I recconect? I usually do at some point it just feels weird right now is all. Which me luck.
14 December 2015 @ 02:24 am

I didn't think it would be this hard. Both of my sisters are pregnant. One is 8 months along and the other is almost four months along. I feel empty. I'm happy with my life I really am. I have a wonderful partner that I am hoping will be my wife one day I have a dog and two cats that I love and I'm in school yet it hurts so much that everyone around me is having a baby or pregnant and here I am. I'm not pregnant and I don't have a child. I don't see it happening anytime soon either. I know we need to wait but I don't want to anymore. I feel so sad.

I feel like I'm never going to have a baby because this is the life I have chosen for myself. I'm afraid I might have to make a choice. Tiffany or a baby because I know she'll never want one right now.At first I just thought I was lonely because she works all weekend but now I know that's not it, and it's not my medication it's that my heart hurts because I want to be able to count little fingers and little toes. I want to be a mommy. I'm watching everyone else in my life move forward and become parents and I'm stuck. I didn't think it would hurt this much to watch everyone else become parents. I'm supposed to be happy for them. I'm supposed to be excited to be an Aunt and instead all I can think about is how much it hurts that I don't have one of my own to look forward to. It's not fair.
10 September 2014 @ 09:05 am
It's been so long since I posted I almost didn't remember my password, however I seemed to have pulled it out of thin air and here I am. I don't know if I said this but, Tiffany and I moved back in with my dad in March and that was a big change. After that Zach and Jolynn whom I don't hate anymore but I don't think I ever really hated to begin with, they had a house fire so they ended up moving back in as well. Now my dad is trying to make it work with her again which I'm sad to say is a mistake because he is going to lose his daughters and any relationship he has left with the three of us and I don't think he realizes it but anyway...

We found a couple things out about our beautiful Lily (our dog) first of all even though we thought she had pitbull in her as did anyone who met her she actually does not. Her two main breeds are boston terrier and boxer and I am actually happy with that. Second because she is boston terrier she has a medical condition called luxating patella, where her kneecap moves in and out of place and this is seen a lot in boston terriers but the problem is she is only two years old and is constantly limping due to the pressure and pain this causes her. I have taken to making sure she walks in grass and goes for a short walk everyday to get her weight down (vet said she was a chubster and needed to get her weight down because it would help with the condition) and I have started giving her prescribed pain meds everyday as well as supplements and massaging the affected knee.

I have just finished watching "Married At first site" a show about a couple who meets at the altar, gets married and lives together for five weeks and then decides whether to stay married or whether to get a divorce. I was rooting for Jamie and Dough the whole time and here is why. She wasn't sure about him and it took her a long time to open up to him. When he lied to her about something she struggled with it because in her past lying has lead to worse things so it took her a while to even begin liking him and then he betrayed her in away with lying to her. However she talked it through with a lot of people and kind of forgave him. But Dough on the other hand is head over heels for this woman, he loves everything about her to the point where he said he wasn't going to pressure her to be intimate at all and that at the end of the expierment if she chose to be with him completely that was what was most important to him, not in a sexual way but to stay married to him. Watching Dough and Jamie made me think a lot about my own relationship and where I'm at.

I asked myself if I could see a furture where I was happy without Tiffany and the answer was no. I can't picture my life without her at all. And then something Dough said hit me. He said everything he does he does because it's something that he was thinking about his family when he did it (he said everything was for Jamie, Lady and himself and not just himself) and that struck me somewhere deep down because for a while now not everything I think of involves Tiffany and Lily and Aurora and Meela but sometimes it's just for me. I mean that's ok sometimes I think but I do believe I have strayed away from my family a bit and Dough really woke me up to this. I don't know why it took a man on tv who married a woman he had just met five weeks ago for me to realize apart of what I was doing wrong but it did and I am hoping that I can change that. That I can change a lot of things and do it not just to better myself but to better my family.
31 March 2014 @ 10:31 pm
I was in the process of moving last week but I also had a lot of work to do in my current classes. The course load was in fact so big I chose to forego turning in a paper that was 30% of my grade in one class and take a zero rather then turn in something that wasn't up to par. Anyway apparently while doing my forums in my other class (online schooling). I accidentally copied someone else's work. I have looked at it multiple times now (the teacher accused me of doing it on purpose). And there is one paragraph that is almost identical to theirs. The teacher told me he has reported me to the plagiarism board and that I will be receiving a zero for that week because more or less I am a cheater and he probably thinks I deserved to be kicked out of school.

I told him I didn't expect to get the points back when I wrote him after he asked me about why they looked so similar. He wrote me asking why and I told him I must have unintentionally copied the other person's work but, is that good enough for him. Nope he has to call me a liar. If I wasn't worried about money I would just withdraw from his class. Because I am not a cheater (on purpose apparently I am a cheater on accident though I'm such a fucking loser). I almost wish I had to guts to write him again and say if I was going to cheat I would do it a lot fucking better then what I did but, I don't think that would help anything.

As if my life isn't stressful enough already recently with moving into my dad's house and all of the fighting Tiff and I have been doing.Not to mention the way I feel about myself. And as I write this I have the hiccups. So my life is swell right now. If I thought it would accomplish anything I would tell my teacher to go fuck himself but, I find that rarely improves the situation. So I am going to keep my mouth shut and do my work until I get an email from my school telling me I am up for review and what my punishment might be.
21 February 2014 @ 12:29 am
They say the sun has gone to sleep and that this winter, is the first winter of many very cold ones to come. So I plan to remember this winter. All of the snow and sleet. The chill and the snow in places there shouldn't have been. I want to be able to tell my kids about the winter of 06 the winter after my mom died. How I went to Chicago and there was no snow but plenty of wind. How every winter after that was never the same. How this the winter of 2013/2014 was the winter I finally stopped wishing she was here and finally decided I wouldn't trade what I have to bring her back.

I want my weight to go down but otherwise I think for the most part I'm actually dare I say it, happy. I am moving back in with my dad but inspite of that I am still happy. I am in school earning my degree and I feel like living with my dad might free up the chance for Tiff and I to get out to her family sometime within the next year and that we can start to make plans towards moving out west to be near them. I feel like this is the winter before I start my life and I now worry about dying.

Because I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to grow old. I want to save people, I want to have children and I want so many other things for myself and for Tiffany and I especially want us to stay together. Things are good but I have to keep working if i want them to stay that way. So here's to working at it.
13 December 2013 @ 10:59 pm
My little sister and her boyfriend always find a way to try and make their hardships my problem. They got kicked out of their apartment and kept texting Tiffany (my partner) about it more or less inferring that they would like an invitation to stay ("We don't know what we're going to do", "we think we might have to live in the cart" etc..." so we said no because we don't want to be feeding two people again who I remind you didn't contribute the first time we lived with them and this time we really don't have the room. We have a two bedroom trailer that the second bedroom, is an office/storage space and no bed could possibly fit in there. and the living room is barely big enough for our couch.

So anyway, instead of begging and pressing the issue they move into an extended stay motel. Robby text Tiff "I get to have my computer back and I had an insurance plan on my phone when it got messed up (I think he dropped it) and so they are sending me a new one, can I have them ship it to your address?

FUCK NO!!! We get one piece of mail all of his mail will come here and shouldn't he be less worried about his phone and computer and more worried about finding a real place to stay? I told Tiffany we should tell him no and she agreed. And I said we should tell him that getting a new phone should be the least of his worries and she didn't want to say anything. I said ok to that but that if we got any packages addressed to any of them we were going to put on it does not live here return to sender and put it back in the mail box because if he can afford to have the insurance give him a new phone (they wanted a $150.00 fee paid) that he can at least afford a p.o. box if not to get a real apartment to live in. This kid makes me so mad that even though he's not my problem anymore he's still trying to use me and make his problems mine. It pisses me off big time.
21 November 2013 @ 11:58 pm
That ungrateful bitch!!! I make her a salad. Hell, I offer to make her a salad and bring it back to her and she yells at me about the lettuce being too big and gives me dirty looks. It's 11:48pm and I make her some food and the thank you I get is dirty looks and "thanks for nothing". Do I look like a maid? So I try to sit down and eat my salad which FYI has the same cuts of lettuce as hers and all she does is look at me like I'm some piece of shit. I was more worried about it tasting like dirt so sorry I didn't cut the pieces small enough for you. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!

Like I don't have other things to worry about. Like I don't have two papers to write and bills that I'm worrying about because someone lost their job? And guess what it wasn't me who lost my job my income is still coming in. I sit down and I just want to give us something simple to eat and she looks at me like I'm the most horrible person in the world for making her a salad. I think I'm tired of this. Of all of it. I don't want to date her anymore. I don't want to be with her I don't want to have sex with her I don't want to talk to her I'm done.

I'm tired and I have spent too much energy trying to assure her it's ok she lost her job and that she'll get unemployment so we can pay the bills. And all I can still think about is the plasma donation center. How they lied to me. How my blood isn't good enough for them so I might as well just get rid of it. Bleed it from my body because no one is going to want it. No one wants me and I don't want to be here. I feel like I'm finished. It's not worth it anymore. Nothing is worth it anymore. I should just give up on my school work on my papers and just take the fucking F I'm probably going to get anyway. None of this stress is worth it. Keeping her happy making sure she feels good about herself and she's ok what does it matter? I have given her everything in the past three weeks and I have been left with nothing but the tub of lard my bones share space with inside this skin suit. I'm sick of it. I don't even want to eat, fuck I can't eat. The whole thing is asinine. Fuck this shit.
Current Mood: angryangry
11 November 2013 @ 02:31 am
I've been going to bed earlier trying to get used to getting up earlier and being a normal person but, alas here I am up and wide awake. I can't sleep. When I lay down my nose gets stuffed and breathing out of my mouth cracks my lips so badly they start bleeding. I also get yelled at for moving around. "Stop it, you're kicking me, I don't enjoy sharing a bed with you anymore" all of those I have heard more then once tonight and it's not helping me feel comfortable.

I have a b- in my one class and I think I'm on week 5 so we'll see if I actually pass the class. Even if I get a C it still won't be good enough for me. I'll beat myself up for weeks until I get another class and forget about it all together. I feel slightly unhinged. Tiffany lost her job. I don't have a job. She said all the bills are paid this month and that we have nothing to worry about until Decemeber 1st. I'm still going to worry. I'm still going to be thinking about it in the back of my mind. I want to have a job that way when I get up early I have something to do, some place to go to. I don't even know how to go about getting a job without losing my benefits though and that's another thing to worry about what with the partial shut down we just faced and the cut in food stamps. For all I know at this point the ticket to work program no longer exist and my benefits are no longer safe.

I was hoping we would be able to rent a house or something bigger after our lease here ended but, I don't see that happening either I think we are going to end up staying put which sucks. When I sit in the living room I feel like I don't have room to breath. With both a couch and a chair in there it's kind of crowded. I just don't know what to do.

And my weight is a whole other problem on it's own. I know I'm gaining weight just because it's getting towards winter and that's what human bodies naturally do as it gets colder is gain weight. I don't like it though. I hate it I feel like all I am is a fat pretty dressed up piece of meat that no one wants to be near. I don't have the ability to exerisce because I'm too depressed to do it. Even if I wasn't depressed I'm not sure I would be movatited enough to do it on my own and it seems as if Tiffany doesn't want to do it at all. So we'll see. I think I'm going to get started on homework now considering it's 2am and I have nothing better to do. Maybe I'll actually get it finished so I won't have any work for the rest of the week.
Current Mood: awakeawake
25 October 2013 @ 01:09 am
I slept til 6 pm today. I'm tired. I'm taking my meds but find myself slipping. I don't want to do anything. I am late in my school work this week. I'm tired of everything I don't want to cook I don't want to eat but I also don't know what to do. Maybe I should get out and go for a walk tomorrow. Let the air help me a little. Maybe it would make me feel better? I know it would bring the mail to the house.

I need chocolate. And music. music is important. I feel it wanting to fill me everytime some comes on the tv or radio. It is calling to me it wants me to listen to be happy, to know it's there and it always will be. Maybe it's time to listen.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
18 October 2013 @ 05:07 pm
I pour my heart out to my class because they ask who you know that has overcome great adversity. So I tell them my story. No one replies, no one has any comments. Maybe they are too shocked with my openness? Or maybe they just think I'm lying. I don't know but, it hurts. It's been causing me nightmares.

The only reason I don't get upset when I don't get comments here is because I look at this journal as something that's more for myself. Do I care if people read it? I want them to read it because I'm hoping maybe it will help someone or make them feel less alone but, I'm not counting on getting comments or gaining readers for the most part. This is just who I am. If I have something to say I don't want others to read (like my stories, most of them) I mark the post as private.

When it's a class assignment I expect to get feed back. Maybe not a whole paragraph of feedback but something, anything instead I have not gotten a word from anyone, not even my professor. For me being the way I am about my academics and being so guarded about my feelings that really hurts. That's enough to make me cry just because I am so emotional. I think I'm going to ask the teacher if I can take it down once it is graded just because it leaves me sour just having it there for everyone to see and no one caring about how much of myself I put into it.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: angryangry