Sometimes the abyss creeps up and all you can do is listen to what it says.

I think I need a break from ...I don't know everything. I've been a very shitty friend lately I've been wrapped up in my own head so much that I can't even tell when people are trying to talk to me about something or maybe my brain is so stuck on other things I don't care. It's no wonder I have no friends and no one likes talking to me. Rob is right, I really am a selfish bitch. There isn't any point in me speaking to anyone. Funny how life imitates art huh?

I'm stuck here watching the girls because Sarah's Van broke down and the only thing I want to do is sit here in the dark and wonder if I should ever speak again. There isn't any point in speaking to anyone unless I have to. There isn't any point in anything.If I thought it would help I would call the national crisis line but honestly I feel like that's fucking stalkerish and I'm sure the last thing that anyone wants is to hear from my lame ass especially when I can't just be a decent normal person. I want to write but I'm pretty sure I don't deserve to. I want to cry but I'm pretty sure I don't deserve that either. I'm just a nasty sick fuck that doesn't deserve anything.

I mean there's nothing that anyone says that is going to make me believe I'm not at this point. I'm trying to learn from this person and if I could shut up long enough maybe i would learn something. Instead they started talking about one of their cases and all I could do was on about public bathrooms and face morphs and my own characters. They aren't even real fucking people. Why do they fucking matter?

Without those things I have nothing though. There's nothing to talk about or focus on. There's nothing to do because I don't have a real job and my family is nuts and they drive me nuts. There isn't any point in living if I have nothing to talk about and nothing to contribute to anyone. I don't understand why I have to be such a crazy selfish fuck. It doesn't make any sense. That's not even covering the other things going on. I'm sick. I'm beyond sick and the world would probably be a better place without me. I want to help people but right now I'm stuck in this place where I can't do anything and don't have anything to focus on.

I can't ask about their work. I ask it seems like I get off on hearing about it and I don't. I don't want to. Other people's pain is not entertainment fodder. Wynn's life and what just happened to him is not something anyone should want to or enjoy hearing about and the fact that I blurted out "he did something worse than fondel him?" Like what the fuck is wrong with me? Too many things. If I thought the world would be a better place without me I'd shoot myself. There isn't any point of being around if I can't just simply shut up, stop my brain and mouth from running and be a decent person. I really am a selfish bitch. At least I was supposed to have a day off but apparently this errand Sarah has to do to get her car up and running is going to take a million years and if I stop to think all I want to do is either cry and kill myself or masturbate because there's something wrong with my head. I'm a fucking sick ass person and I should die. I'm selfish. No one wants to talk to me.

Until I can actually be decent and do something that matters I don't need to talk to anyone. There isn't any point in socializing because everything I social about is selfish and stupid. I was lucky to have a friend for as long as I did. No one needs to talk to me anymore. I'll write my story and when it's over its...especially if I haven't managed to do anything with my life it's over. Today there isn't any point in anything. I ate I'm going to take my pills and then fuck it. I'm a sick piece of shit that doesn't deserve to socialize with common decent people. That doesn't deserve anything.

Over a year and Kavanaugh

It's been just over a year since Tiffany and I broke up. It feels weird. Considering I moved out four months ago just about and all of the things I mean to do before I moved, none of them have really happened to expect I've saved about 1000.00 in my bank account. I don't know if I'm going to make it to grad school by next fall but, I will eventually make it. I just worry about how many people aren't getting the help they need while I take the steps I need to get there. Maybe I'll just move with my BA and save money. Work for girls and boys club or Anchor house.

I miss Lily. I miss her so much. Her lying on me in the middle of the day with the cats as we take afternoon naps together. Me taking her out for walks and the way she used to whine like she was dying when I walked in the front door. Tiffany, before I moved out, said I was allowed to come to visit the dog whenever I wanted but last time I had an appointment with Jan I asked if I could stop by to see her and Tiffany said no. So, I guess that goes to show how honest she is. I know she didn't lie to me logically but, she told me we would never break up. As far as she knew we wouldn't but, I knew it was a lie and yet I still allowed myself to believe it. Stupid me, right?

Well, anyway. I think I'm avoiding the news. A woman came forward against a supreme court nominee and said he sexually assaulted her 36 years ago. This prompted two more women to come forward with their allegations yet she's a liar and bitch because she can't remember the date. Because her friends don't remember that party. Of course, he's going to get appointed. Who cares if it's a lifelong job? Who cares if he might be a rapist (even if being questioned should be enough to have his nomination pulled but, it's not.) To me, that sends the message that I don't matter. Not just as a woman but as a sexual assault victim. I was raped when I was four years old for the first time. The first time he put his fingers inside of me and put his mouth on me I was four years old. I didn't tell anyone until I was 17. Because I was scared and ashamed. Because I was afraid people would be mad at me for not saying anything for so long because it was so confusing and it scared me so much.

It felt like dreams nine-year-olds dream about that? Do 12, 13,14-year-olds who have never had sex and never watched any pornography dream about that? Probably not. So I waited 13 years to say anything. According to the majority of American citizens that means I'm lying. I'm a big fat fucking liar just like I have always thought I was. I don't matter just like I have always thought I didn't matter. Damen doesn't matter just like he was always told. Tyler, Jason, Ashley Biz, Cassie, Nicole, Rachel, Mike and countless others that I know just like me, don't matter to our country. Those boys and girls that have grown into men and women who the church brushed under the rug have once again had their concerns and their trauma dismisses by some of the people who are supposed to protect them, supposed to care and it feels like more than half the country has said "too fucking bad". Half the time right now I'm not even sure I want to leave let alone live in this country. Live in a place where children are taken into prisons and held hostage away from their parents for crossing some imaginary line. Held in places where men grab them by their genitals and try to insert their penis's into anal cavities they have no interest in exploring. Where little girls are told to simply "stay away" from other kids in detention and that is really the only protection they are being offered.

I'm not sure I want to live in this world anymore if I live in a place where a government is saying those things are ok. Where they allow them to continue to happen. Where people who rape passed out women walk away with 3 months in jail. Where men who allegedly committed crimes are told by other people in power that the women accusing him should be "ashamed of themselves" because they are "attempting to ruin your life". Not getting a job is not life ruining. Not being able to coach girls basketball is not life ruining. Waking up in a cold sweat because you can feel someone licking your thighs as you cry, that's life ruining. Remember your mother your own mother looking at you and shouting at the age of 12 no less,"You deserve it, you fucking fagot get out of my house!" that's life ruining. A job, a coaching position, being denied those things isn't life ruining.

Years of therapy and hopelessness and self loathing and drug use and medication, those things are life ruining. They cost money, and time and years you are never going to have refunded. They cost lives. Every day those touches and words cost people their lives and no one cares. The people that are supposed to care and give us justice, people like that justice simply don't care. And I'm not sure I want to be a part of that world. There is only one solution to this; I work to change it.

I don't know how or when or what I'm going to do but, it makes me want to work to change it that much harder than I ever did, almost harder than Damen ever did but let's be honest, that kid changed my life in so many different ways and I owe him a world and more if only he were still here. But he's not. "Where is he?" some people might ask, "Why aren't you touch with him?" Others will utter.

A guy I have never met took him away from me, from all the people he might have touched with his life, his smile his happiness. A guy who thought because he asked him on a date and brought him dinner that he and five friends had a right to his body. That because he was a sex worker at one point he should be "used to it" when he tied him down and raped him. 3 months later he was dead. He was never offered protection by anyone. Not by his mother when she found his own uncle raping him, not by the government who outlawed his only way to make a living and not by foster care who when they found him on the street at 12 took him and put him in a foster home where he was repeatedly beaten to try and "beat the gay" out of him and then turned and looked the other way when he said anything about it. Eventually, he ran away so often they just stopped looking for him and he did what he had to.

The government doesn't care about me. It doesn't care about that little girl that was told she was going to hell if she didn't do what she was told because only "bad" girls don't listen to their elders and only "bad" girls cry when someone is trying to show them they are loved. That she was going to hell because that's where "bad" girls go. The government doesn't care about the girls and boys that were told to "ask God" for "forgiveness" because some priest couldn't keep his hands to himself. Because some priest thought that it was better to blame the child than admit his own shortcomings and maybe do something about them besides subjecting some poor child to his sick perversions. It's hard to live in a world that simply doesn't care and never will.

To the boys and girls I'll never know

I am beyond proud of you and how far you have come. It doesn't matter what he did to you, what he made you say or what he said. You made it. You made it out of that room and here you are over a year later and you're still here. You're still fighting and you feel strong enough and angry enough some days to say something to that man. To look him in the face and say "you might have taken part of me but you won't keep it forever. You and what you did will not define my life. You will not decide what my ending is."

That is a strength that even 10 years later I didn't have. That I didn't even know where to find that support I had available to me was 1000 fold what you have available for you. And yet you're standing tall so many days and so many times where you could fall on your knees and scream and never get back up. And I know some days that's what you feel like. That's what you want to do but you don't. You dust yourself off you dry your eyes and you keep going. For someone of 13, you have the bravery of someone 10 times your age. And for that, I am proud to know of you. I will never know you and I will never see what you become but I want you to know there is a woman who is beyond hopeful to know that there are boys, no not boys, young men like you in this world. Young men who understand what it is to fight, to fight just to breathe. Young men who understand pain but will not let that pain define them no matter how often it feels like they are drowning in it. I want you to know that you are not alone. That you have a world of people just like you standing behind you and trying to encourage you. Sending their energy out in this world in hopes that in your weakest moments you will feel their power, you will understand that your pain doesn't have to be carried alone.

To you young lady, I know some days you feel like a snow globe that has hit the floor too hard. Your pieces scattered around you with no possible way to pick up every shard and knowing that even if you are glued back together you will never hold liquid again, that your flakes of confetti will never dance again. I want you to know that doesn't mean you are worthless. You are worth every breath destiny has given you and so much more. You are worth all the things they never said you would be worth. Your worth is limitless. Your glass ceiling doesn't exist no matter how many people tell you it does. There is no magical surface for you to break through, there is no limit for you if you believe. You have a world cheering for you, hoping for you, calling your name.

You have a world out there that is waiting for you to come and take command of it. To show it that it doesn't matter what those ugly people said or did that nothing is worth more than you are. Your eyes that sparkle but so often feel like there's nothing to sparkle about. Know that once, that to me you are something embodied. Hope. You are the hope for a better tomorrow, a clearer future and a brighter star in the sky. You are a hope for bigger dreams and bigger impacts. You are the hope that cancer will one day no longer exists. That dreams while they may not always come true in the way we thought they would that eventually they do come true.

You guys are my children. You may not know it and you will never know me but you are as every child should be, my child. I only hope the best for you. That you find in yourself those things that they tried to steal from you. Those monsters in the shadows and the demons that tore at your soul the same way they tore at your words, your clothes and your bodies. They may have damaged you but anything that has been damaged can be fixed. No human being or soul is ever beyond repair you will find your courage and you will be happy. Even if it's not today you will have your moment and when you do you will be the brightest and best the world has ever seen.

Finishing my own character developement.

I don't know what has changed. I don't know if I'm getting too lost inside of my head our what but I keep thinking something doesn't feel right. I know I don't write personal thoughts of myself that often anymore but this is something I need to work out so yeah. I'm writing a story from POV teenage boy and something about it is really fucking with my head considering I'm a 28 almost 29 year old women. I keep thinking my life should be more like the one I'm writing but that's not the way things work. And then I have a thought "Well next time it will be right," "Next time it will be better" "Next ride things will be different" but the problem with that is I don't know if there is a "next ride" so to speak. Another life another chance for things to be different to continue on. This life just doesn't seem right to me. I keep thinking where is my first love, well Elizabeth I don't know maybe she's in bed sleep? Where is my hope for my own children? Well, again it's sleeping in the bed in the next room. I feel like I've done this before. Said "ok well next time will be different" and just stopped in the middle of the story and blanked out. I don't want to do that. I don't want to but the urge is so poweful, the feeling that that is what is supposed to happen. I want to get past that feeling. I want to keep moving forward I want to finish this story, this life. I don't want to get off the ride right in the middle but something in my head is telling me I should. Maybe that's why they call it mental illness because it's a sickness that you can't escape that makes no sense most of the time? For some reason I feel like this isn't my life. I know very well it is. I logically know it is but I feel like this isn't my life. Maybe just keep powering through and hope I recconect? I usually do at some point it just feels weird right now is all. Which me luck.

I didn't think...


I didn't think it would be this hard. Both of my sisters are pregnant. One is 8 months along and the other is almost four months along. I feel empty. I'm happy with my life I really am. I have a wonderful partner that I am hoping will be my wife one day I have a dog and two cats that I love and I'm in school yet it hurts so much that everyone around me is having a baby or pregnant and here I am. I'm not pregnant and I don't have a child. I don't see it happening anytime soon either. I know we need to wait but I don't want to anymore. I feel so sad.

I feel like I'm never going to have a baby because this is the life I have chosen for myself. I'm afraid I might have to make a choice. Tiffany or a baby because I know she'll never want one right now.At first I just thought I was lonely because she works all weekend but now I know that's not it, and it's not my medication it's that my heart hurts because I want to be able to count little fingers and little toes. I want to be a mommy. I'm watching everyone else in my life move forward and become parents and I'm stuck. I didn't think it would hurt this much to watch everyone else become parents. I'm supposed to be happy for them. I'm supposed to be excited to be an Aunt and instead all I can think about is how much it hurts that I don't have one of my own to look forward to. It's not fair.

It's been a while

It's been so long since I posted I almost didn't remember my password, however I seemed to have pulled it out of thin air and here I am. I don't know if I said this but, Tiffany and I moved back in with my dad in March and that was a big change. After that Zach and Jolynn whom I don't hate anymore but I don't think I ever really hated to begin with, they had a house fire so they ended up moving back in as well. Now my dad is trying to make it work with her again which I'm sad to say is a mistake because he is going to lose his daughters and any relationship he has left with the three of us and I don't think he realizes it but anyway...

We found a couple things out about our beautiful Lily (our dog) first of all even though we thought she had pitbull in her as did anyone who met her she actually does not. Her two main breeds are boston terrier and boxer and I am actually happy with that. Second because she is boston terrier she has a medical condition called luxating patella, where her kneecap moves in and out of place and this is seen a lot in boston terriers but the problem is she is only two years old and is constantly limping due to the pressure and pain this causes her. I have taken to making sure she walks in grass and goes for a short walk everyday to get her weight down (vet said she was a chubster and needed to get her weight down because it would help with the condition) and I have started giving her prescribed pain meds everyday as well as supplements and massaging the affected knee.

I have just finished watching "Married At first site" a show about a couple who meets at the altar, gets married and lives together for five weeks and then decides whether to stay married or whether to get a divorce. I was rooting for Jamie and Dough the whole time and here is why. She wasn't sure about him and it took her a long time to open up to him. When he lied to her about something she struggled with it because in her past lying has lead to worse things so it took her a while to even begin liking him and then he betrayed her in away with lying to her. However she talked it through with a lot of people and kind of forgave him. But Dough on the other hand is head over heels for this woman, he loves everything about her to the point where he said he wasn't going to pressure her to be intimate at all and that at the end of the expierment if she chose to be with him completely that was what was most important to him, not in a sexual way but to stay married to him. Watching Dough and Jamie made me think a lot about my own relationship and where I'm at.

I asked myself if I could see a furture where I was happy without Tiffany and the answer was no. I can't picture my life without her at all. And then something Dough said hit me. He said everything he does he does because it's something that he was thinking about his family when he did it (he said everything was for Jamie, Lady and himself and not just himself) and that struck me somewhere deep down because for a while now not everything I think of involves Tiffany and Lily and Aurora and Meela but sometimes it's just for me. I mean that's ok sometimes I think but I do believe I have strayed away from my family a bit and Dough really woke me up to this. I don't know why it took a man on tv who married a woman he had just met five weeks ago for me to realize apart of what I was doing wrong but it did and I am hoping that I can change that. That I can change a lot of things and do it not just to better myself but to better my family.

BFFC (Big Fat Fucking Cheater)

I was in the process of moving last week but I also had a lot of work to do in my current classes. The course load was in fact so big I chose to forego turning in a paper that was 30% of my grade in one class and take a zero rather then turn in something that wasn't up to par. Anyway apparently while doing my forums in my other class (online schooling). I accidentally copied someone else's work. I have looked at it multiple times now (the teacher accused me of doing it on purpose). And there is one paragraph that is almost identical to theirs. The teacher told me he has reported me to the plagiarism board and that I will be receiving a zero for that week because more or less I am a cheater and he probably thinks I deserved to be kicked out of school.

I told him I didn't expect to get the points back when I wrote him after he asked me about why they looked so similar. He wrote me asking why and I told him I must have unintentionally copied the other person's work but, is that good enough for him. Nope he has to call me a liar. If I wasn't worried about money I would just withdraw from his class. Because I am not a cheater (on purpose apparently I am a cheater on accident though I'm such a fucking loser). I almost wish I had to guts to write him again and say if I was going to cheat I would do it a lot fucking better then what I did but, I don't think that would help anything.

As if my life isn't stressful enough already recently with moving into my dad's house and all of the fighting Tiff and I have been doing.Not to mention the way I feel about myself. And as I write this I have the hiccups. So my life is swell right now. If I thought it would accomplish anything I would tell my teacher to go fuck himself but, I find that rarely improves the situation. So I am going to keep my mouth shut and do my work until I get an email from my school telling me I am up for review and what my punishment might be.

random musings...

They say the sun has gone to sleep and that this winter, is the first winter of many very cold ones to come. So I plan to remember this winter. All of the snow and sleet. The chill and the snow in places there shouldn't have been. I want to be able to tell my kids about the winter of 06 the winter after my mom died. How I went to Chicago and there was no snow but plenty of wind. How every winter after that was never the same. How this the winter of 2013/2014 was the winter I finally stopped wishing she was here and finally decided I wouldn't trade what I have to bring her back.

I want my weight to go down but otherwise I think for the most part I'm actually dare I say it, happy. I am moving back in with my dad but inspite of that I am still happy. I am in school earning my degree and I feel like living with my dad might free up the chance for Tiff and I to get out to her family sometime within the next year and that we can start to make plans towards moving out west to be near them. I feel like this is the winter before I start my life and I now worry about dying.

Because I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to grow old. I want to save people, I want to have children and I want so many other things for myself and for Tiffany and I especially want us to stay together. Things are good but I have to keep working if i want them to stay that way. So here's to working at it.

here we go again.

My little sister and her boyfriend always find a way to try and make their hardships my problem. They got kicked out of their apartment and kept texting Tiffany (my partner) about it more or less inferring that they would like an invitation to stay ("We don't know what we're going to do", "we think we might have to live in the cart" etc..." so we said no because we don't want to be feeding two people again who I remind you didn't contribute the first time we lived with them and this time we really don't have the room. We have a two bedroom trailer that the second bedroom, is an office/storage space and no bed could possibly fit in there. and the living room is barely big enough for our couch.

So anyway, instead of begging and pressing the issue they move into an extended stay motel. Robby text Tiff "I get to have my computer back and I had an insurance plan on my phone when it got messed up (I think he dropped it) and so they are sending me a new one, can I have them ship it to your address?

FUCK NO!!! We get one piece of mail all of his mail will come here and shouldn't he be less worried about his phone and computer and more worried about finding a real place to stay? I told Tiffany we should tell him no and she agreed. And I said we should tell him that getting a new phone should be the least of his worries and she didn't want to say anything. I said ok to that but that if we got any packages addressed to any of them we were going to put on it does not live here return to sender and put it back in the mail box because if he can afford to have the insurance give him a new phone (they wanted a $150.00 fee paid) that he can at least afford a p.o. box if not to get a real apartment to live in. This kid makes me so mad that even though he's not my problem anymore he's still trying to use me and make his problems mine. It pisses me off big time.